Why do i keep messing up relationships

Apologizing is a relationship skill and does not mean you are weak. Find a way to repair. Consider the specifics of what happened and what you can do to prevent it in the future. Repeating the same behavior makes it more difficult for others to forgive you. If you lose your temper when you are too hungry, then share your plan for how you will resolve that problem in the future and follow through. Blaming the other person for your behavior, pointing out the mistakes of others, or justifying your behavior is likely to make the situation worse.

He may forgive you or he may not. Regardless of how well you handle the mistake the other person will make his own decision about whether to continue in the relationship. There's nothing wrong with being a serial monogamist, per se.

But sometimes, hopping from relationship to relationship might be a sign of emotional…. Understanding the differences between secure and insecure attachment styles may be the first step towards changing your way of relating to others. Breakups involve change and loss, socially and emotionally, and can often lead to grief. While often painful, relationship splits can offer a unique…. These are some signs that someone may not care about your feelings or value your relationship.

They may also not be emotionally available to you. How do you deal with emotional abandonment? You may want to start with understanding what causes it. You really blew it. Your partner is giving you heck about it, seething with disappointment and hurt. Get over it! What more does your partner want from you anyway? You said you were sorry and that should be enough. Now we can move on, right? Your partner wants you to really understand how your blunder affected them.

If you understand, and can even offer some empathetic words, it opens up the possibility for your partner to feel soothed, calmer, and more connected to you. It can also help him or her let go of the pain that your blunder caused. Recognizing where your partner is coming from means asking them questions in a non-defensive manner, so that you can better understand the situation. Only then can a true apology be made. But of course if it were that easy, resentments would not exist, and all of those books on forgiveness would not be flying off the shelves.

If your partner is hurt by something you did, they are right. Myth 2: If I apologize to my partner, that means I agree with what they are accusing me of. Apologizing is not about accepting blame for something. Quite adversely, it takes a lot of strength to stay steady, really listen to your partner, ask them curious questions, and put yourself in their shoes. Myth 4: If I apologize, my side of the story will not be heard and I will forever be misunderstood.

When your partner has been heard and is in a space to listen, you can share what was going on for you at the time. If the relationship is one you care about, you will benefit from taking a few more steps.

Usually your partner will feel the benefit of your apology when you understand the content of the blunder and the unpleasant feelings that it caused, and you have a collaborative plan to prevent it from happening again.

Pretend you are like a journalist gathering data. Just as a journalist gathers data and reports back what they learned, your partner would kiss the ground you walk on if you did that for them. So, repeat back to them what you are hearing them say to you to be sure you are getting an accurate read. Body language and tone are as important as the words you say!

That sounds awful. I never intend to cause those feelings in you. If your partner hears that you are taking some accountability and thinking of ways to prevent the problem from happening again, it communicates that you care. In such an interdependent relationship, there are going to be screw ups.

And keep practicing. You and your partner will enjoy the rewards! She trains with relationship experts Ellyn Bader, Ph. D and Peter Pearson, Ph. D to deliver state of the art tools for couples. Michelle provides both couples and individual counseling, teaches communication workshops, and conducts training seminars both locally and nationally for therapists on how to help more couples. From what I understand in some cultures the repeated apologies stop having meaning after a time and they are followed by, How can I make it up to you?

Michelle, I love your post. I think the art of apologizing needs to be looked at much more closely and we can help our clients create more authentic connection if we help them with this process. The myths you outline get to the heart of the matter that prevents partners from being vulnerable and apologizing.

Following your wisdom can help couples create a huge shift and deeper connection. Thank you for sharing!! Excellent material here, Michelle. What more do you want from me?

Back in I had a conversation with Dr. Stan Dale about apologies. What stuck in my memory from that conversation is that it helps the other person feel better when we acknowledge the effect our behavior had on them.

Each one has the potential to make a compelling argument against a sincere apology so I appreciate you setting out the more rewarding path for relationships. Great insight, Michelle! Thanks for posting!

Nothing gets resolved by ignoring it. Imagine if you found out the person you loved was actively lying to your face and saying cruel things about you to his or her friends. Would you stay in that relationship? Venting to your friends is normal to a degree, but subjecting them to all of your pent up rage is extremely unhealthy. Do you find yourself rehashing the same things over and over again with your S. If you want your relationship to survive, you have to learn how to move on. Without forgiveness, your relationship will slowly begin to dissolve bit by bit until there is nothing left, but two incredibly unhappy people.

Is your partner unable to tell you things without your flying off the handle? You are the problem. In relationships, you and your partner should grow and learn from each other. Accepting each other unconditionally is, of course, a part of love, but living, learning, and changing over the years is a healthy and beautiful part of sharing a life together. Life is hard, but it's better when you're not alone.